Dressed for a Little Bit of Success: Blog-a-thon Day 13

Last night was the Golden Globes (were the Golden Globes… what is the correct was/were iteration there?). If you read my blog post yesterday (seen here) I made some predictions. I think I was perfect… because I’m an entertainment and pop culture genius. But there is one element that I didn’t predict, and that is the fashion. So because I can’t predict it now (I guess I could… but I saw the show so I can guarantee I would make some spot on predictions) I decided to “review” the fashion. Obviously this is the perfect thing for me to write about because I have amazing fashion sense. By that I mean I watched the series finale of “What Not to Wear” and I read a lot of GQ and Esquire when I’m on planes. Here we go. (For all who are concerned, or if you would simply like to follow along at home, all of these pictures came from the Chicago Tribune… and the opinions came from my brain).

71st Golden Globe Awards

Lupita Nyong’o: You won’t be able to see if but spell check HATES her name. There are so many red lines… to match her red gown (A+ on the segue). I think this looks like something Natalie Portman would have worn in the Star Wars movies. I don’t hate it. I also don’t love it. I feel like she probably couldn’t lift her arms above her head. I sure hope none of the after party DJs are planning on the Y-M-C-A.

71st Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Olivia Wilde: She’s pregnant. I guess that’s cool. And let’s be real… every guy growing up in the past 10 years has had one or more daydream about Olivia Wilde. But here is my thing… why is it a trend for pregnant women to want to wear really tight things? Believe me… we can tell you’re pregnant. We don’t need that much of a reminder. It’s as if they don’t want you to have to feel their stomach to feel the baby kick because the dress is tight enough, I’d be able to see it.

71st Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Sofia Vergara: Surprise, surprise. It is a tight dress with a lot of décolletage and a huge skirt. I wonder how many people it takes to stuff, prod, tie, and glue her into one of these dresses? However she looks great and as far a I know she didn’t split her dress like she did last year.

71st Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Taylor Swift: She’s just pretty. I don’t care if you like her music or not. She’s pretty… always. It’s just her thing. Just like you assume Amy Poehler and Tina Fey will be funny, you assume T. Swift will look put together.

71st Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Julia Roberts: I’m confused. This dress looks like a soccer mom that needed an outfit that works for both PTA meetings and formal galas. It is pretty and it fits her well. The fact is the woman is my parent’s age and she looks sick. But I don’t see the need to wear a Best Buy Geek Squad shirt beneath a beautiful gown.

71st Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Paula Patton: This is a mop. You know those new commercials where they steal the family’s old cleaning equipment and bring them Swiffers? I wish someone would take this dress far far away and get her a Swiffer. It is just too much. And she didn’t do anything besides present. At least have done a massive Meryl Streep-esque performance if you’re going to show up wearing a whole Joann Fabrics on your sleeve.

US-ENTERTAINMENT-FILM-GOLDEN GLOBES

Jennifer Lawrence: I love Jennifer Lawrence. This is well documented. I want to be her friend. I also want to get her a new dress. It isn’t bad per se… but it also looks like she forgot that the awards were tonight and tied her curtains around her. It kind of looks like this is the petticoat part of that giant dress she wore (and fell in) at the Oscars. But she’s still awesome.

Actress Michelle Dockery arrives at the 71st annual Golden Globe Awards in Beverly Hills

Michelle Dockery: I feel like I have to include her because I had to miss her show to watch the Golden Globes. This is great. This outfit just looks like an award show. It is the perfect blend of avant-garde meets Grandma’s table cloth. I dig it and I think she is just a classy woman.

71st Golden Globe Awards

Lena Dunham: She admitted on the Red Carpet that “none of this is quite right on me.” You are correct Lena. She just looks awkward. Not only is it not a flattering silhouette, fabric, or color, but every time they cut to her it either looked like the dress was cutting into her body or it looked like she was counting down the seconds until she could take it off.

Actress Sandra Bullock arrives at the 71st annual Golden Globe Awards in Beverly Hills

Sandra Bullock: The thing I love about Sandra Bullock is she honestly looked like she could go either way about being there. I mean she said her lines and she smiled at the camera, but she also kind of looked like she didn’t care… which was kind of cool. And her dress is cool and surprisingly OK on a woman who is not as young as you think. I approve (which I know she was definitely waiting on my approval… you can move on with your day now Sandra).

71st Annual Golden Globe Awards - Press Room

Zoe Saldana: I think she is awesome. She has this vibe that’s like “I’m really pretty and cute but I could also kill you with my little toe”… and that’s pretty neat. Her dress isn’t. I always love when they label dresses in pictures saying “So and so is wearing a custom-made Prabal Gurung.” This was made for her. That means she was in full control of the process. You know she has at least a team of 6 people who help her get ready (and at least 2 of them are sassy gays). Did none of them speak up and say that the 16th fabric was 1 too many?

Actress Zooey Deschanel from the sitcom "New Girl" poses on arrival at the 71st annual Golden Globe Awards in Beverly Hills

Zooey Deschanel: This outfit is so perfectly Zooey Deschanel. First of all I think Zooey epitomizes the look that every girl wants to have (but fails at) when they shop at Anthropologie. It’s like “I’ll take this top and mix it with this unrelated but super vintage skirt and it will totally make me look chic and glamorous” (when in actuality you look like you got dressed in the dark). So props to her for that. I also love the fact that, in almost every photo, Zooey Deschanel looks like she is a little kid playing dress up. It isn’t a bad thing. It’s just a thing. She always looks a bit like “my parents made me dress up for the awards show”. It’s kind of perfect

Actress Cate Blanchett arrives at the 71st annual Golden Globe Awards in Beverly Hills

Cate Blanchett: I think she had one of my favorites of the evening (however this picture is hilariously horrid). I do feel sorry for her though. Her speech was a little about 3 parts vodka, 1 part coherence. Not a good mix. But the dress is great. It stuck with the Blanchett award show theme of dresses that look like she might be naked underneath them. But it’s super pretty and she also falls in that category of really classy British woman. Next time we just need to make sure that all of her speaking parts are done before the bar opens.

So I hope you enjoyed that little review of Golden Globe fashion. I think it was very informative. I expect to be getting a call from the team at Vogue any day now asking for my services.

Make sure to let me know below what your faves (or not so faves) of the evening were a what you thought of the show. Also make sure to comment, share, and subscribe for more musings.

…gm

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