It Tastes Like…

To stick with the theme of Thanksgiving I decided it would be necessary to make a food related post. Don’t all bloggers make food posts? No? Really? Ok… well I’m going to do it anyway. I was on the Facebook machine the other day and came across something I found particularly giggle-filled. Behold: AskMen.com’s 5 Wines You Should Know. Because apparently that’s something that should pop up into my side bar on Facebook? But upon diving into this article further the real giggles began. I read about the first wine and was instantly intrigued by the descriptions of the wine. So here I go. Here is my “5 Wines You Should Know” translations.

wine-snob

1) Cabernet Sauvignon: First and foremost don’t call it a “cab”. You sound like a frat guy if you do. At least go the distance and say “Cabernet” (leaving off that long “s” word is acceptable because no one knows how to say it without sounding like the voice over track at Epcot’s “Impressions du France”. Apparently, once aged for a while these bad boys “boast an oak-y aroma that often hides hints of coffee, chocolate, leather, and tobacco”. So basically they taste like that older gentleman who sits outside Starbucks and thinks it is acceptable to smoke a cigar in the middle of the day in public. Perfect. But apparently a younger cabernet (I didn’t realize wines went through puberty)  has a “lighter, fruitier smell and taste with aromas of cranberry, raspberry and plum swirling in the bowl of your glass”. You know what I don’t want my aged grape juice to taste like? Fruits that aren’t grapes.

2) Shiraz: Yes, this is a wine, not a type of SUV. According to this article, “Red wines made from the dark-skinned grape known as Syrah are some of the most popular wines on the market today”. I didn’t realize racism was such an issue in the grape community. I am now aware of it and will take it more seriously. But here’s the thing that made me audibly laugh about this paragraph. Apparently a whole bunch of different factors affect the taste of the Shiraz and all of those things combined “can change the final taste and aroma so dramatically that each producer’s personal Shiraz has its own personality and qualities to enjoy.” So you’re telling me that different bottles of wine are going to taste different? Get out of here! Maybe that applies to other drinks? The whole Pepsi vs. Coke dilemma seems so much clearer.

3) Gewürztraminer: I read this word and instantly thought “God Bless You”. I can honestly say I’ve never heard of this wine… so I’m really excited to read what they have in store for us. “Gewürztraminer is a white wine that is easy on the palate, which makes it enjoyable for the beginner, yet its complexity will envelope your mouth in a silky finish that’s both long and rapturous.” I feel like if they were to continue this description I would have to make this post NSFW. I don’t think I’ve ever tasted something I would describe as rapturous. I actually don’t know if any event in my life could, or should for that matter, be described as rapturous. It makes me uncomfortable. Moving on…

4) Chardonnay: I feel like this is one of the ones everyone knows. But apparently it is a pretty easy wine to make. “Chardonnay grapes are fairly low-maintenance and can adapt to a range of climates.” According to that quote, I will now label Chardonnay the “recent college grad” wine. This is not because recent college grads drink it, though I’m sure they do, but rather the grapes that make a Chardonnay seem to have a “meh” kind of attitude… like most of my peers. “The taste of a good Chardonnay wine varies from buttered, oak overtones to refreshing fruit flavors like pear, apple, lemons, peaches, and citrus.” While I have never tried it, I would imagine that buttered, oak overtones mixed with fruit is probably what potpourri tastes like. Or maybe licking one of those weird cone air fresheners.

5) Merlot: Don’t pronounce the “t”. Just don’t do it. Apparently a Merlot is made from medium-bodied grapes (sidebar: from now on I would like to be referred to as medium-bodied) and it differs from a Cabernet grape in that it has thinner skin (so don’t make fun of it). “Expect to taste fruity notes, such as blueberry, cherry, blackberry and plum, with tones of blackpepper, licorice and even vanilla. You will be more likely to detect herbaceous flavors, such as green pepper and olive, in a Merlot than you will in a Cabernet Sauvignon.” In other words: A Merlot really can taste like anything that grows out of the ground. Also we have more of that “it is made of grapes but doesn’t taste like grapes” thing. I don’t like this deception. You can also taste oak, vanilla and smoke, “but if the wood notes overpower other tastes, it may indicate a less-than-perfect batch that the vintner is attempting to mask with the flavor of the cask.” MORE DECEPTION. I don’t want to have to worry about if the guy at the vineyard is being honest. What kind of world is it where you need the vintner to submit to a polygraph? Also how many of us knew they were called “vintners”?

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I hope this synopsis helps you pick out the perfect accompaniment to your Thanksgiving table. If it didn’t, then clearly you weren’t paying good enough attention and you should go back and read it. If you haven’t read my Thanksgiving field guide, make sure to do that here.

Also make sure to subscribe for more festive tips and other musings.

…gm

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