You Are What You Drink

So I got some positive response on my semi-awkward observations of people in Starbucks, so this is Part II. Well it isn’t necessarily the second part because what I really wanted to address what your coffee is saying about you. A few days ago Zoolander was on TV and I laugh at the “orange mocha frappuccino” line every time. But I think the reason I laugh at it is because the idea of your Starbucks drink being a good litmus test of your personality holds some amount of truth. So here is my Hitchhiker’s Guide to Your Starbucks Beverage:


Espresso: You are a bold and driven. Obviously you must be really invested in whatever it is that you do because you are willing to take a shot to the face first thing in the morning. No one is drinking a shot of motor oil first thing in the morning because they truly enjoy it.

Mocha: You are youthful and imaginative. You sort of like coffee, however you don’t like it enough to drink it sans embellishment. Also as a mocha drinker you open yourself up to an assortment of variations. With white chocolate, dark chocolate, peppermint, and many more, you can always change the disguise that your coffee wears.

Latte: Latte drinkers are rather open-ended. Drinker 1 is someone that doesn’t drink coffee much. However you’ve watched enough episodes of Friends or White Collar to know that a latte is a basic, default coffee drink. Drinker 2 is someone who likes to disguise their coffee (much like a mocha drinker) but doesn’t want to feel like they are drinking their dessert. Drinker 3 only knows lattes because of the Pumpkin Spice Latte and they should be pushed in front of an oncoming cab.

Cappuccino: You’re rather cultured but you also are probably nit-picky. You like the idea of buying the same coffee that they drink in old Fellini movies. However you also have just ordered coffee that involves espresso, steamed milk, foam, possibly sweetener, a contractor, and a focus group of 15. You coffee is definitely more of a pay and stay beverage and not something to run out the door with.

Americano: You like watery coffee. Need there be more explanation.

Double Espresso: You are very driven. Like VERY driven. Your level of drive is directly proportionate to the number of shots you have. If you make it above a quadruple espresso you need to seek medical attention.

Doppio Espresso: You are equal parts driven and pretentious. I am all for you imagining drinking your coffee in a courtyard in Sardinia. But you don’t need to order it in Italian… English will do just fine.

Frappuccino: You are both energetic and indulgent. I say this because you don’t like coffee that much. You like milkshakes with just an added kick of energy. The frappuccino is an invention made solely so that people can eat ice cream in public at breakfast and not be overly-judged.

Iced Coffee: Similar to a latte, the iced coffee drinker is multi faceted. Option 1 is that it is 108 degrees outside and you don’t want the sweat dripping from your brow mixing with hot coffee. Option 2 is you are hip and on the go. I mean who doesn’t like both the feel and the cultural stigma of a green straw. Option 3 is that you want volume. As most of my friends know, I am a trenta iced coffee person. This means I can buy a 31 oz coffee and have it last for a while. This means I am a pre-planner.

Expresso: You should be removed from the gene pool.

Let me know if you agree with my assessments or if you have any other drinks that should be added to our little list here.

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