If I Don’t Get My Coffee…

(Sidebar: I wrote this blog several weeks ago but had saved it in some random Word document and just uncovered it. I hope it makes you giggle. Also it is only fitting that I post it since it was super similar to a request by the wonderful Becca Kellogg.)

It’s 7:15. I am awake. This is a rather unfortunate occurrence. The worst thing is I have absolutely no reason to be awake at this hour. It’s like my body wants to torture me by saying “rise and shine… you’re up before half of the city”. As I slowly decide to drag my sorry self out of bed and begin my Dante-caliber quest to attack the world, I was faced with the worst problem to face out generation: I had no coffee. As we slowly move into a Minority Report style society I think the first thing we need to work on is automatically refilling coffee bags. This unfortunate discovery this morning means only one thing. I must go to get coffee. Technically there are other options but I feel like if I don’t get coffee in my system ASAP I will go all Sylvia Plath on you and go head straight to the oven. When faced with a tragic dilemma such as this, I solve it in the only way I know how: I am going to Starbucks. But not only am I going to Starbucks… I am going to describe the crazies I see in there. Because here’s the deal… in New York City people don’t stay in Starbucks (in fact I wrote a blog post about it that you can read here). So me sitting in Starbucks with my laptop doing work not only makes me weird, but also gives me an awesome vantage point from which I can sit and write completely surface level assessments of people on their way to work getting coffee.


1) The first guy is a business man. That’s kind of boring. I was hoping the first person would be some absolutely ridiculously dressed person who came in speaking in tongues. But no… it is a business man. Oh and he is paying with his smartphone. Wow… aren’t you super cool? Does your tragically ill-fitting suit not have a spot for your wallet. WAIT! This story is about to get amazing. He ordered a Vanilla Bean Frappuccino. For looking so tough and stoic this morning he ordered the least aggressive beverage Starbucks has to offer. Nothing says “I’m off to a take Wall Street by storm” like a milkshake at 8 am.

2) Audition book. We have an audition book. This girl has her headshot on full display for the whole Starbucks. No ma’am. This is simply not ok by me. Keep that in your oversized bag please. No one needs to know that you are off to sing your cut from “Meadowlark” like you have 6 other times this week. I’m also pretty sure she just “snap chatted”. (Can we make that a word?) I’m done with her.

3) Now this is what I love. When you see a group of people all walking in together, mid-conversation at 8:25. Why are you this social? Why are you having some sort of group gossip session, like a scene out of Gossip Girl, at this hour. People should be keeping their heads low and socializing to a minimum. If you are this excited to be alive at this hour you need to reassess some things. Perhaps take a moment of brief meditation or something. (But realistically I almost always use my early morning coffee time as an opportunity to get my shiz together. I can only be so social. So let me slowly work my way into it).

4) Flannel pants. This is taking it to the extreme. Now as previously stated, I enjoy Starbucks being used as a place to prep for your day. But this girl is clearly not ready for her day. I appreciate the “I don’t have to be anywhere for an hour and coffee was first thing on the agenda” vibe going on. But flannel pants are a total no for me. I have always thought that certain clothes are reserved for the bedroom. For example, one would not go out in Starbucks in their slinky lingerie. Flannel pants are like an unsexy lingerie. Meditate on that ladies and gents.

5) Finally… a normal human being. They walk in. They order. They check for texts that clearly haven’t come in but they feel the need to be pre-occupied. She grabs her coffee. She leaves. Now thinking about this she is rather macabre. I wish she had giggled at the possibly incorrect spelling of her name. Or maybe taken a sip and smirked at the refreshing taste of life force entering her body and fueling her day (think of the “very natural” smiles that people have in Folger’s commercials).

6) Here we have a dear mother with her kids. She deserves all of the medals this morning. She is trying to be a responsible mom who is holding both of her kid’s hands but is also trying to order and pay for coffee. The whole alternating back and forth thing where she shifts kids about reminds me of when you are trying to get all of your groceries in from the car in one trip. It’s actually quite amusing. But also quite tragic. There is probably a whole social commentary in here about raising children in the city. Go you Super Mom. You own this Tuesday.

7) It’s happening. The best occurrence ever is happening… RIGHT NOW. Now most people won’t get particularly excited about reading about this. But you have all witnessed this and all gotten excited about it. The guy in the back of the line is tapping his toe. You may say this is boring. You may ask ‘who cares’. HIS TAPPING IS IN BEAT WITH MY MUSIC. When this happens it is simply God giving you a little Fonze “ayyyy”. I can only assume he isn’t listening to what I’m listening to (shout out to Emily Reid… she’s awesome) which makes it even more awesome.

I just got up to get another drink. I asked the very nice couple next to me to watch my stuff. When I got back there was a woman sitting across from me. Apparently she wanted to read at a table. This is my sign to go. Go get some coffee and enjoy your days little gobstoppers.

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