Facebook Menaces Revisisted

I got some pretty positive feedback on my “10 Facebook Friends You Love to Hate” post (which you can read here). Since I could possibly write a novel on this topic I decided to write another installment about people on Facebook who I find “interesting”…


1: The New Parent/The Newly Weds: Last year I had 3 different family members all get married. Combine that with being 22 and I am far too familiar with this. I am all for your happiness and love and family and all that jazz. But only post when it is something original. I don’t need to see 30 pictures of you and your new wife in the exact same pose in different locations, or 57 photos of your new baby laying in a crib.

2: The “I’ve Been Working Out”: I have had a few friends who have had full on Jennifer Hudson-esque body changes. To those people I say, “bravo”. However I don’t need to see a picture of you with your new under armour running shirt or you on an elliptical machine or the screencap of whatever running app you use. And heaven forbid that you be one of those people who post 6-pack photos and say things like “man I wish I could have the perfect body”. There is a special level in Dante’s Inferno for people who fish for compliments on how fit they are.

3: The Driven Employee: The following is an actual quote from a FB friend of mine: “Wish me luck for my interview. I know my resume speaks for itself, but I can’t help but be nervous.” I realize the marketplace is competitive. I am currently looking for work myself. I also realize positivity is key to some people’s survival. But no one reads that and thinks it is impressive. Even that creepy friend who you don’t really know (if you need a recap see here) isn’t going to be impressed. You post something like that and we all hate you.

4: The Friend of Jack and Jose: Always drunk. Always.

5: The Quiz-a-holic: If I were writing this a few years ago this person would be the Farmville-aholic. But recently I have noticed a resurgence of these “find out which _______ you are”. It’s like those old school MySpace surveys have made a come back. While I will admit I have done one or two of them myself (my literary character is Gandalf from Lord of the Rings in case you were wondering) I just don’t understand the point. Wouldn’t it be easier to just type some status that describes yourself rather than expressing it through a series of multiple choice answers someone else came up with?

6: The Drudge Enthusiast: This can be replaced with any other news site. While I more or less whore myself out as a blogger, I try not to do this. Every post is “Here’s an interesting post from Drudge today,” or “Have you seen the newest about Syria on Drudge.” In a weird way this isn’t that different from the quiz person. I am all for referencing other people’s articles and ideas… that’s what a lot of my blog is. But why not add in some personal thoughts in there from time to time?

7: The Overly Detailed Friend: This person feels the need to document every single aspect of their life. They seem to feel the need to publish every mundane and pedestrian aspect of life as it is groundbreaking and could make them a Nobel laureate. “I’m eating a banana. Gotta get that potassium.” Or “Man this crosswalk light isn’t long enough”. These statements do not a Pulitzer-prize winner make.

8: The “I still think Facebook is set up like 2008”: For those of you who are young wipper snappers, when Facebook was new your status had a forced “is” after your name. That meant every status had to be a reflective statement about your life. These friends are the people who still keep this pattern even though now you can do whatever you want. “Sharron is busy finishing up her work before heading to meet some friends from the gym tonight. Love Fridays.” Sharron, while I too love Fridays and I give you props for using the correct pronouns, this is 2013. You need not format it this way.

9: The Sports Super Fan: I understand you like your team. I get that you’re a fan. I even understand that you are a super fan. But no one can love a team to such an extent that their life revolves around it. Right?

10: The “You Really Thought that was Your Best Profile Picture Option”: As a performer I have my headshot as my profile picture. That’s just an unfortunate part of the job, I guess. I say that only to point out that I don’t expect everyone to have a cropped and edited photo of themselves as their profile picture. However I don’t understand these people who use horrible pictures. The photo shows half of their face, they look exhausted, and everything has a sort of “Catwoman’s Lair, slight angle” to it. There have quite literally been photo shows hung in galleries that have been taken on iPhones. You can find a way to take a good photo on your phone and post it.