10 Facebook Friends You Love to Hate

So I recently was browsing through Facebook and I noticed some trends emerging amongst my friends. We all have those friends that post something and we roll our eyes. However I have taken it a step further and broken it down into 10 categories of Facebook friends we love to hate.


1…The Lyricist: This friend is typically not a musician (however a lot of my friends are), but they still post song lyrics as statuses all the time. Now I am a strong believer that almost every emotion can be expressed in song. I love songs. However I don’t think that you need to share the lyrics to every song on your playlist with the whole world. Need we recall the “can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars” fiasco?

2…The Bleeding Heart: Everything is about the most recent cause. This person is constantly posting pictures of homeless sea otters or puppies in need of kidney transplants or something of the sort. I love helping when I can, but sometimes this just goes a step too far.

3…The Politician: We all have this friend (and in lieu of the government shutdown most of our friends fall into this category), however there are several levels to this one. Some of your friends are just a little bit politically minded. They might post about who they are voting for or something like that. But then there are the people who not only think they should be a CNN news correspondent, but also know every detail of every political disturbance on the planet and think that we all care.

4…The Edgar Allen Poe Enthusiast: They don’t have to necessarily love Poe. But regardless of the author, every single post is macabre. They are constantly talking about their depressing life, how someone has wronged them, and my personal favorite, “I guess I am the only person who is looking out for me”. Take a Prozac and smile… please.

5…The Wal-Mart Greeter: These friends love everything… I mean EVERYTHING. Their statuses are mostly congratulating people on engagements, on accomplishments, or any other reason to give them a digital hug and a smiley face sticker. They also are the first people to comment about how much they love your new picture or whatever else you post. I must admit I am sometimes guilty of this. But while I give the occasional cyber-hug to people, these people tend to be smother you into a happy submission.

6…The Sleeper Cell: This is the friend who does nothing on Facebook for months at a time. Seriously. They still have their Christmas card photo up and it’s August 5th. But then something set them off like a Soviet sleeper agent and they go crazy. Once they go crazy then they can fall into one of the other categories.

7…The Age Inappropriate Stalker: This is another archetype with several permutations. They could be a family member, a co-worker, a boss, or a friend’s parent (one of my favorites). The only real common thread is that they are far too interested in your social presence at an age that is not appropriate. I think social media sites should set a limit that your friend’s parents or your 55 year old college professor should only be allowed to comment on your stuff once a week.

8…The “I’ve Been There And I Bet You Haven’t”: I’ve found this online personality tends to blossom as people get older. While a milder case may only brag about trying a new restaurant or going out for drinks at some hip, new bar, a more severe case of IBTaIBYH takes it to the extreme. “I’m just checking in from my private villa in Tuscany. I just wish I could take you all along with me and let you all experience this sunset.” You know what I’m doing? Eating Ben and Jerry’s while watching House Hunters, and I’m completely ok with not being in Tuscany with you.

9…The Laptop Aristotle: This is another type that develops, typically in college students (often after taking a Philosophy 101 course… or something similar). Because they are 19 they now understand all of the inner workings of the world. For this reason they will post things on Facebook that are both terribly vague and terribly contrived in an attempt to say something profound. It’s like a fortune cookie. Or a psychic. Or a Justin Bieber song. “I just love the way that the world keeps spinning.” Wow… you’ve truly said sooooo much there, I simply can’t process it.

10…The “You Wanted My Advice”: This is when a Laptop Aristotle gets bold. Not only do these friends feel like they understand all things about life, they also feel like they should give you advice. 9 times out of 10 their advice is not only unwarranted, but typically comes on the most random things. You say something like “kind of hate that I can’t sleep tonight”. Then they come back with something like “I absolutely love doing yoga as a relaxation technique… I know a great yoga studio on 5th… We should go together… Class is on Friday at 9… we can get coffee beforehand” or “sometimes insomnia is caused by blood vessels swelling in a part of the brain… I went to a doctor once who gave me these great breathing exercises… let me know if you want them… if you want it I can call and make you an appointment at the doctor, but I would try deep breathing and some tea… but not green tea…” No. Just no.

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