Welcome to Starbucks. You Have 10 Seconds.

Anyone who is actively involved in my life knows I have a rather major Starbucks addiction. I should probably take stock out in them at this point. It would be financially beneficial for me. Now being in New York a few weeks ago only exacerbated my green-straw related problem. In a city where you can literally see a Starbucks from the front door of a different Starbucks, how can you not spend all of your time there. However in New York one does not simply order coffee. You enter into this sort of Olympic event that involves standing in a cramped line, yelling an order, and swiping a credit card all in approximately 37 seconds. Heaven forbid you don’t know what you want or you don’t have your card out and ready. But perhaps the worst offense is trying to communicate on any personal level with your barista. Do not ask how their day is going. Do not ask what their plans are for the weekend. Do not collect $200 dollars. Go straight to jail… or to that purgatory like waiting area where you desperately hope your drink is made correctly. You have at max 10 seconds to make this transaction happen or the person behind you will actually begin to trample you.


With all of this being said, I found a wonderful piece of literature that I felt like I needed to share with everyone. I was on WikiHow earlier today (probably looking up something that I should have known how to do but didn’t and consequently needed to consult the Google machine), and the following article was a related link: How to Order at Starbucks. In this article you can learn how to clinically order a Starbucks beverage. This includes steps including, but not limited to: “choose the liquid base”, “ask your barista what frappes are offered”, and “don’t be afraid to be specific”. What is all of this foolishness? Who has time to form a Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants bond with your barista? This is Starbucks, not a 5 star restaurant. There are no daily specials. No soup of the day. Walk up, order, and pray that what you got is correct… or at least something you can drink. But even more important than that… who doesn’t know how to order at a coffee shop? I understand that if you are coming from Sub-Saharan Africa you might be unfamiliar with the Starbucks ordering system, but I doubt those people are the users of WikiHow. Is ordering that much of a daunting task that we need to break it down into 16 individual steps?

(If worst comes to worst just order a dry cappuccino. It has lots of caffeine and enough milk to get it down. Within 5 minutes you’ll start getting jittery and then it doesn’t matter what you drank anyway.)