How to Screw Up Your Relationship

Facebook Relationship Status

As a now 22 year-old college graduate, my Facebook is constantly exploding with a never ending list of relationship status updates. This (in my personal opinion) unnecessary advertisement of one’s relationship health is so frequent now that it borders on the mundane and routine. I more or less log onto Facebook under the assumption that there will be at least 2 or 3 heart graphics showcasing someone’s new found love (or lack there of) for someone. While many of these are cutesy “we’re engaged” updates, there seem to be a lot of broken hearts out there. So here is my field observations on ways to ruin your relationship in 2013.

1) An Online Relationship Presence. This is not the Bachelorette. Your life does not need to be broadcast for me to see on every single level. While I will but barely tolerate your flaunting of changes in a relationship status, I don’t need to see pictures of you lying on the sofa together, getting dinner together, walking through the aisles of a liquor store at 2 am together. I get it. You’re dating. But how can you truly expect someone to take your relationship seriously when you post a public status like, “Had fight with my man. I can’t believe he would ever say those things to me. Do you all think my clothes are tacky?” This is not Inside the Actors Studio, it is your life. So if you could keep it to yourself and maybe a few close-knit friends that would be awesome.

2) Expectations. As a very recent college grad I became far too familiar with the phrase “I thought he/she was a sure thing”. How is that still something people say about their relationships? You are dealing with another human being who has a functioning brain (for the most part). So the likelihood that you are going to fully understand everything about them… it isn’t going to happen. What is a sure thing? That he is the one for you? Or the fact that he won’t cheat on you with one of your best friends? Or that he will come home and not stay out until 7 am playing beer pong like a frat boy even though he is 23 and needs to have a real career? Because how can you expect that to be a sure thing? You need to have a better grasp of the concept of free will. Maslow wrote some great stuff on it.

3) Open Relationships. They’re dumb. Just don’t.